 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|||||
Desire"I guess it would suit some people best if I sat down and picked myself apart"
DESIRE By definition, as noun, is an expressed wish or request. With desire if you really want it you go after it. For example, I desire to be a famous burlesque entertainer and the only way to achieve this goal is by actually going after it. I hustle for gigs to be on stage, or put on my own shows and I get the costumes made and I do it. I mean that is the absolute only way I’m going to ever get one step closer at fulfilling goals right? How else will the world get to know who I am if I’m just sitting up in a room somewhere just simply desiring to be? The same thing goes for people who want to get fit. You can only get fit by getting up off your ass and hitting the gym or working out in your home or walking…bottom line in order to get fit they have to be working out regularly. It’s not going to happen by you just sitting around dreaming about it. Any personal trainer would try and motivate you by telling you that if you even do 15 minutes a day you are one step closer to being fit or more fit than you were yesterday. Matter of fact a personal trainer told me this recently. He told me that when I said I couldn’t find the time to work out regularly that I was just making excuses. Then he compared his life to mine and told me how he did it (something I thoroughly hate) but the fact of the matter is it’s true. Whatever someone wants bad enough they will go out and get it. Did you desire that bag of chips so bad that you went to the store at 2am just to find it? Did you desire that shirt so bad that you found the money to purchase it? It happens to all of us. It’s just human nature, when we want it we want it and we have to have it. The same goes for your desire for another person. I tried to explain this situation to a girlfriend tonight about a guy whom I just met that I felt I had to back away from because he didn’t desire me enough to make the time to be with me. Her argument was that he was interested in me because he contacted me daily. To that I say, talk is cheap and actions speak volumes. I must admit this young man is one of the most attentive men I have encountered in the past 3 years and along with the fact that he practically chased me for almost a year and made it his business to keep an appointment with me when he realized that he would have to wait an extra 2 weeks just to meet me added to why I genuinely wanted whatever we had to work. But what I’ve realized with him and with many men that I’ve met throughout the years is that when the challenge comes along for them to actually pursue me or show and prove they fall flat. Way flat. I’m not sure what this trend is with men. Well wait, I think I do. First off the price of pussy stock has fallen so dramatically that men no longer have any real motivation to go after a female these days. Well wait, that is the cliché response isn’t it? I mean not to say that the price of pussy isn’t now a dime a dozen but desire still exists between the human species so it doesn’t necessarily have to be that, or is it? I hate to say men this, men that because truth is people this and people that. What do I mean? As I stated above when people want something they go after it. So forget the fact that men seem to be able to get laid easier than women these days because they seem to be more of a commodity than we are. Let’s stick to the fact that if someone doesn’t want you it will show in their actions despite what they say. I’ve heard a few men say to me when I first met them that they’ll come all the way from Manhattan, midday to meet me in another section of NY just to take me to lunch and when my retort is it would be too much and I wouldn’t recommend they do that, they immediately shut me down and tell me, “when you think the person is worth it you’ll do it”. So am I really so afraid of love that I would sabotage a potential relationship with a guy who I think is fabulous? Absolutely not! I haven’t been in love in years and I absolutely miss the feeling and because it’s been so long each I meet a man I hope that he would not turn out to be a jerk so I can actually open up and be able to love him. Be able to want to make food for him after a hard days work or make sure the house is in spick and span order if I know he’s coming over. I think love is beautiful and I have no issue with it whatsoever but if a man is telling you in so many words that you aren’t worth it, you must read the tea leaves. I had my doubts about this young man from the gate. But I thought maybe I was jaded and didn’t want to give it a chance. I always make excuses for not trusting my instincts. At the moment I type, I still don’t know whether or not he had a girlfriend he wasn’t telling me about or some other secret or nothing at all. But what I do know is this; our schedules were incredibly different but in my eyes at some point we could be able to come to a compromise in seeing each other if we both equally desired it bad enough. Since he is free days and I am free nights I half jokingly told him come take me to lunch and let’s have a quickie on a secluded street and his response: I don’t like driving during that time because the traffic is heavy. Now I know what some of you are thinking but again actions speak volumes. If he’s even made the attempt once to come see me it would have let me know he was interested, but he wasn’t willing to go there. Then when he practically ignored my other attempts at seeing him it really sealed the deal. Picture it. A phone call, spring 2009. I tell him when I return from out of town I will (go out of my way with my luggage) report to his house so we can be together and he can stop casting the blame on not seeing me to me and my busy schedule. I’m incredibly busy but not too busy to make time for someone I like. His thing was that because of the holiday he would be with family and had to be up before 7am the next morning. Now I know what you’re thinking…people spend the holiday with their families and that much is true. But when a man wants a woman, when a woman likes a man, especially when it’s a new love and you are desiring to see that person again you will make arrangements to not be with your family even for an hour to be with that person. It’s all on the level of desire. Women or people with low self worth feel they must accept the little that people want to give if there is an interest on their part for them. Why should I feel that I should be treated less because he calls or in this case texts? Is it fair for him to say that my schedule is too hectic so he can’t see me but when I try my best to alter my schedule to see him he can’t even tell me he can’t see me ahead of time? As I told him I sit and wait for nobody and even though I want to see him, if he can’t plan for me it will simply mean we will not see each other. Desire is strong, it’s almost irresistible. If you have to think twice about going to see him then to you he’s not worth it. If at the least in the beginning of your relationship he can’t make certain sacrifices, go the extra mile or meet you half way, then he isn’t interested. If you want to take that trip to London next year you will work overtime to get there, why? Because you feel the trip is worth putting in the extra time for. Just the same that if he wants to see you so badly he’ll take the drive because the adrenaline rushing though his mind and his cock will make him feel that you are worth driving in heavy traffic for. Are you sitting on the couch desiring to be somewhere? Talking about what you want to do or are you getting dressed to go out and making it happen? People can say anything that’s why you can’t put too much on words, but when they are doing it you know they mean it. Even if they are saying one thing and doing another you have to know that it’s what they’re doing that counts. As I try to conclude my rant as flow (or coincidence) would have it Good Luck Chuck is watching me in the background. In the movie Chuck is the lead character, a promiscuous doctor. Women want to sleep with him because when they do the next man they meet they marry. Apparently a spell was put on him by a girl when he was just a kid and every girl he sleeps with will fall in love with someone else. What a dilemma old Chuck is in. he meets Jessica Alba’s character and she’s the one for him but he makes the mistake of having sex with her and in an effort not to lose her he goes the extra mile to be with her, even going as far as spending over $17,000 on a first class plane ticket to get to her in Antarctica so she wouldn’t end up with someone else. Now I know television and music may play a crucial part in the fairytale of love but it proves my point as I type. I guess it would suit some people best if I sat down and picked myself apart, wondering why or crying about the fact that even though he may call he won’t make the effort. It’s just not worth it if he doesn’t feel I’m worth it. 
Apr 15, 2009: Desire |
|||||
|
|||||
          |